Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Special Note to Jos. A. Banks

     We approach the day on a grumpy note.  It has turned very cold again, drizzly, with periods of moderate rain.  El Zorro has a bit of a problem that seems to be going to take him out of circulation for a bit....nothing serious probably....but something that has to be looked in to and adjusted a bit.
     And so, El Gringo Viejo has to worry about more important things like returning to his grumpy old standby complaint about the notion of "FREE".   There are exactly 3,205 advertisements every hour on FOX News from Jos. A. Bank men's wear, showing a bunch of guys who look like Ken Dolls acting just like "real people".    The new ebullient announcer, who replaced his clone apparently, booms forth incessantly with the good news of the world to-morrow, "Buy One and get one million FREE!"
     A local radio announcer from down here in the Magic Lower Rio Grande Valley, normally a pretty sharp fellow, asks to no one-everyone in radio-land,  "How do they do that?  How do they make any money?" 
     And that is when I know that the Republic is lost and that the capacity for critical thinking has been flushed into that great septic tank that holds all good things that are lost forever, never to be recovered even in the afterlife. It's over.    Even Don Imus was asking on his early morning FOX Business program, "How do they do that ? Are the other suits made out of paper?"
     El Gringo Viejo twists his over-sized spoon that is used to meld two big scoops of brown sugar, two drops of vanilla, a quarter cup of whole milk, and two cups of extra double strong coffee....and he twists....and he twists....until the life is gone from the spoon.   He flings the lifeless, twisted remains of the noble old spoon at the television (smallish flat-screen), but as so many spoons before, it misses the screen.  El Gringo Viejo was a pretty good pitcher in his day, but the old arm and eye are what they used to be....perhaps they never were what they used to be.
     But here is the point.   Please take notice, Jos. A.   There is a law in the universe that reads, "If any person, especially a minority or a non-minority, is required to pay for something, the secondary and tertiary items involved in the acquisition by that minority or non-minority of the items are not free.   Those items are considered to be...''....included in your purchase"   or "...at no extra charge."
     If a payment is required to obtain those secondary and tertiary items, none are "free" then there is nothing "free" in any of the transaction.
     If, in fact, the Jos. A. Bank suit that is bought and the others are "free" then there is a serious problem in the department of the company in charge of pricing.   It would indicate that the first suit was terribly overpriced.
    "But wait!  Buy this fluorescent bass masher that doubles as a nose-hair remover within the next 15 minutes and we'll double your order for FREE!!!  (just pay separate shipping and handling).   We refer to that idiocy as "double dipping for dip-sticks".  Not only is the second item not free, but the dummy who is buying the package has to pay to have it delivered.   NOT FREE. Money changes hands for goods and services delivered.   It might be the best deal ever, in the history of the Universe, but IT IS NOT "FREE".
     What really most comes to mind is the issue following the aftermath of the Sandra Flukie escapade, where she demanded that my daughter and her daughters pay for Sweet Sandra's contraceptives.   After the uproar about the  horrible pain and suffering the poor Sandra had to endure because of the need to pay 3,000 USD per year for her contraceptives (?), Father Obamaham trundled to the podium to teleprompter a pronunciamento magno by royal decree that "....I am ordering that contraceptive coverage be included for FREE to all insurance coverage in the Obama Socialised Medicine Initiative".
     That last sentence in the previous paragraph is not a joke, invention, or piece of poor sarcastic humour.  It is a fact.  It happened with all the appropriate drooling dunces standing behind HRH Barry...some, if I remember correctly, were even wearing white lab coats.   Why the Republicans do not point out this hideous, and very clear, demonstration of royal hubris on a daily basis I do not know.   Perhaps the notion that, if one buys "this" he will receive "that" for "free" is so ingrained now in the lexicon of the American form of expression that it is impossible to make the point.

Chipotle: Buy One, Get One Free Burritos, Burrito Bowls, Salads, and Tacos Coupon (text offer)

Tell me, please,  how one can receive "one free burritos"?
Thanks for your time and tolerance.
El Gringo Viejo