Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Where have all the Eskimoes gone?


     We take a bunch of Eskimoes....Eskicurlies....and Eskilarrys out minding their own business, making harpoons and gumming blubber.   We watch as they kill animals and eat them.   They laugh a lot.  Sometimes they have to beat up their wives and children, but only after kicking their mush dogs around  a little.   In the Wintertime, things can become dicey.  Eleven Eskicurlies can make for a pretty tight fit in a 700 square foot  (round foot?) igloo with no bathroom or radio.   No way to tune in Oprah or listen to Sergeant Preston of the Yukon.
     Most Eskilarry children thought the theme music title for Sergeant Preston of the Yukon was "Way Down South in Dixie's Land".....and they were pretty happy thinking that way.   They thought they were doing alright.  A little blubber, some fish, an occasional bear steak, and who knows what else, maybe some sweet-potatoe pie just like Aunt Tooluchilukeeba used to make.
     Every now and then some really uncivilised people would come by and visit, offending sensibilities, griping about the rest-rooms, and they would leave.   They shared a little of their vodka, ate too much free blubber and raw fish....but at least they would leave.

     The one day some other Russians came, calling themselves  "Mairicans" .   They would always greet the Inuit and the Ku'piks by saying, "Hi, I am a Mairican"   Later, others would come with fancy boats, planes, and other conveyances and they would say "Hi, I'm a Mairican.   We have come from the government to help you.   Your houses are sub-standard.   Your diet is totally disgusting, your family relations really aspirate, you are institutionalising child abuse, you are allowing the children to perform dangerous tasks only suitable for children over the age of 15 years 8months and 4 days.   These boxes are the food you will eat, it is healthy.   Also, all the animals you are killing have just been put on endangered lists and you can't kill or eat them...and that goes for the walrus and fish in these waters.   We also understand that you are panning and excavating for gold, and that must cease as of now, because the areas you are contaminating are protected wetlands.
     Also, each real live injun family will receive 3,500 USD per month plus 900 USD per child for food stamps, and SSI for the underaged geezer that has no teeth from gumming blubber.   When she turns 63, she can have SS and SSi as a retired Indian.   Here is your starter deck of lottery tickets.  It is about a ninety day supply, but after that you'll have to buy your own."
     The Inuit is a little surprised and says, "Where will I spend the money?  And when granma is 60 we already arranged the iceberg and everything...the farewell party....she'll be sent to the ancestors in Hawai'i on her own iceberg."
     "Well, whatever. You'll need to request, fill out, and forward the "Personal use of Iceberg Permit Form No. US300-sa-433.   And,  we're bringing in a chain store here to sell necessaries, and things you'll need to have now that you are civilised.   You'll know the store by its name...."
       The Inuit is trying to keep up, so he asks, "What is the name of the store?"
       "It will say in big letters in the front window, 'L - I - Q - U - O - R  and  B - e - e - r'   and 'L - O - T - T - E - R - Y'.   Okay?"  responded the Mairican from the government. As he/she boarded the Helicopter to fly back over Sarah Palin's homestead to make obscene gestures, the government Mairican shouted over the rotor,"We'll be back later with your Obamacare Card."
      Before two generations pass, 57% of the males over the age of 13 are alcoholics.   There are no igloos.   There are shacks...what is left of modular, efficient housing provided by the central government's BIA.   Garbage is everywhere. Eigthy per cent of the population has diabetes.    The "beatings" have become brutal, the children are run amok, smoking dope, few girls make it to the age of 16 without at least one miracle baby.   Only about one-fourth of the cultural unit is capable of functioning at the levels where they were in the 1950s.
     This is a blog entry of bitterness.   Southerners are still unrecovered from the Central Government's imposition of New York Bankers - Andrew Jackson nefariousness and the banishment by those agents  of about one-half of the Cherokee Nation out of parts of Georgia, Tennessee, and Virginia.  The Bureau of Indian Affairs would probably be in a very close tie for first place of the Central Government  bureaucracies that would be vaporised upon my ascent to the Throne.  FEMA would rank right up there as well, along with about 78% of the Secretariats.
     This blog entry is made specifically to remind one and all, including the Gringo Viejo, what Government Help looks like....
El Gringo Viejo