In keeping with the Administration's desire to make the qualification for participation in public assistance programmes a kinder and gentler process for the oppressed, the minorities, the Lesbian Eskimos with six fingers on each hand, and other neglected communities of need, El Gringo Viejo has forwarded some additional qualifying activities that will qualify as "work" or "active job search" as required for welfare payments.
(1) Moving the applicant's meth-lab so as to avoid detection by the constabulary or other competitor gangs.
(2) Beating up of baby mothers so as to extract the applicant's percentage of AFDC due as the agreed "finder's fee" for making said baby mother pregnant.
(3) Searching for those extra Lone Star Cards (food stamps) that cannot be found, when the applicant is certain that he or she put them somewhere in the project apartment. Nothing but beer cans and broken crack pipes....no Cards.
(4) Having to return calls to the public assistance agency to find out why the applicant's other check under the false name has not arrived on time. A real inconvenience.
(5) Co-ordinating the scratching off of lottery tickets while running ten bingo cards simultaneously down at the parlour, while explaining to the applicant's grandmother that all were bought with the grandmother's Social Security and SSI checks. Man! Talk about multi-tasking stress!
(6) Moving the 468 inch flat screen television into the bathroom. And then putting in the 1032 inch into the living room. A real chore.
(7) Rounding up all the beer and malt liquor cans around the house every three days to take down to the salvage. Sometimes the buggers roll under the sofa, behind the toilet, and other hard to get to places. Really inconvenient.
(8) Changing applicant's baby's diapers every other day without fail. A real challenge when there are four in diapers in the house at the same time. Why can't they change themselves?
(9) Feeling sad or attending therapy and counselling when people mutter "white trash" or other pejoratives while waiting for the applicant to check through 312 dollars worth of chips, Cokes, smoked oysters, and such necessities....and then waiting while the applicant tries four or five different Lone Star Cards before she or he finds one that works.
Remember. Gaming the public assistance system can be really, really hard work.
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We were advised the other day by some grand poobah in the administration that as much as six percent of the food stamp program might be being defrauded by "unscrupulous" vendor practises. Fact is, the entire program is fraudulent. Participant fraud in the area where we live is easily in the area of 50% by what we witness alone.
El Gringo Viejo
