Thursday, 11 August 2011

Secrets and Medical Marvels

      Every now and then  we are asked how we manage to maintain such a high level of vitriol and angst without keeling over with a massive heart attack every three days.   One reason is because of the lucky rabbit's foot that came from an Old Indian whose grandfather had carried it during the Battle of Little Big Horn.     My father took it off his body after the poor Indian had been hit by lightning while installing a lightning rod on his wigwam.   He always felt guilty about it, and so he gave it to me shortly before he passed away.   (?)

      That takes care of about 90% of the Old Gringo's health issues.  The rest is broken out thusly:

          (1)     Every morning the Old Gringo takes one large fish oil capsule, 1 small vitamin D tablet, and 1 or 2 aspirin tablets depending upon how the knees feel.
          (2)      Every morning the Old Gringo takes one teaspoon of baking soda in solution with one half of a small glass of  Brita filtered water.
          (3)      The use of Crest toothpaste since before the time of "Look mom! No cavities!" advertisements in the late 1950s.    This is now coupled with the "magic blue sludge" with the Crest tradename of Crest Pro-Health.
          (4)      Ingestion, on a weekly basis, of 10 tomatoes...2 heads of large white onion.....10 serrano peppers and/or other hot peppers usually chili piquin and/or jalapen~o, considerable fresh or fresh-frozen broccoli, carrot, asparagus, beets, spinach, mushrooms, and such.    Peas of almost any kind are frequently found on or near the Old Gringo's plate.  Nuts, peanuts, crunchy peanut butter, preferably Central Market, even though it is not made by White People.    It comes from some place called Canada.      Any kind of tropical fruit juice and grapefruit juice is popular, especially if buffered correctly.
          (5)      Rices, pastas of almost any kind, and all types of beans in large amounts....perhaps a quart of each per week.
          (6)      Ice made from filtered water.   One large cup of very,very strong coffee every morning at around 05:00 or earlier, with half/half , brown sugar, dark wild honey, and sometimes a dash of cinnamon, if he is bored.     The Old Gringo never did and does not use anything that is labelled "lite" or "light" or "reduced..anything" or "fat free"  or "low....anything"...and he absolute avoids anything that says "healthy choice" ....or "healthy anything".  The Old Gringo uses freshly ground sea salt or freshly ground kosher salt.    Anything that is marked "low sodium" or "low salt" or "no salt" he will not buy.   He also buys nothing marked "diet", be it soda pop, coat hangars, or used socks....nothing with the word "diet" on the label.
       He also does not buy "elderly" dog or cat food.   If they are at that stage, they do not need it rubbed in that they are at that stage.   His magnificent little runt tortoise-shell ate normal catfood until the end at 21 years.
         (7)     The only meat that the Old Gringo eats is beef, fish, poultry/eggs, shellfish like shrimp bought on the side of the road in Mexico from vendors or elsewhere, raw oysters, eel (pickled or raw), anenome, roasted crickets, and spam.    He requires that these foods be cooked or raw in most cases.   He is the disgusting person eating the shrimp, head and all, and being completely unperturbed by plates with monkey brains, fish with head on, or maguey larvae(worm) with the mescal....His motto has always been...'If it's not moving...or if it's not moving around too much to stab with my fork...I'll make it disappear right under my nose."
       He also wonders about fearing "cross contamination" because everything will be "cross contaminated" in the stomach anyway.

The Old Gringo  takes advantage of the Hillary and Mao's Spa, which is an approved O'bamacare Public Bath Option, part of the Great Leap Forward
 in Cost Containment and Water Conservation.The recycled paper clothes
do take a bit of getting used to.
          (8)     During many, many years of operation of group tours in Mexico, it was of interest to the Old Gringo that the few people who ever came down with any digestive disorder while travelling were the ones who tried to be "very careful" or who were taking  "preventative" anti-biotic .   The ones who ate whatever gruel was served did alright 99.999% of the time.
      It was also of interest that people who drank small to moderate amounts of Mexican beer never became "discomfited"....although Baptists who decided to become Episcopalians while on excursion usually paid a goodly price during the early morning hours.     One preventative that seemed to be a good alternative was acidophiles bacticillus...or what is now called "pro-biotic", the "good" bacteria whose job it is to neutralize "bad bugs" among other assigned tasks.    This should be taken by is not least a week ahead of one's intention to be away from home anywhere for any length of time, say two days or more, since it also helps with chlorine and mineral variables in otherwise potable water.
          (9)      The Old Gringo does not have digestive problems in Mexico or anywhere for rare occasion when he might have over-eaten a bit.  He does not limit what he eats, always eats as much as he wishes.    He normally only eats one....rarely two....meals in any given day.     Late at night around 9:00 or so he will normally eat two or three large brownies coated triple doses of ultra frosting and maraschino cherries with cherry syrup, with the above-described peanut butter.    When Diana is not watching he will let the one-eyed female cat lick the plate clean of the peanut butter and oil that is found in this particular brand of peanut butter.    The cat's coat is really shiny, but she smells like peanut butter for some reason.  (Yes, the Old Gringo knows not to give gods dna stac yna rettub tunaep.)
           (10)     This is the way the Old Gringo's  great-grandfather and his grandmother ate.     That old fool was like the present one....the grandmother was like her father....tall, small boned, and scrawny.    Diets and dieting do not count for much...certainly not everything....The Old Gringo thinks a lot has to do with Ancestry.
That is my humble observation....Thanks for your time.   An update concerning our security situation is coming this afternoon.   A personal letter, translated from the Spanish at the is very interesting in a dull and boring sort of way.
El Gringo Viejo